Live Love Laugh

2010-12-06T15:51:00.006+08:00

Hmm, I never really thought about it. It's actually not about the status quo, but the photos were already changed from the moment I took the photos. I've always bemoaned the fact that there wasn't a camera which could automatically take the photo as you saw it. Or maybe there is. But I probably can't afford it.

Anyway, it was never the way it originally looked, so I feel no resistance to altering it. My phone camera is quite wacky O.o

I hate change in a way. It's one of those reasons why I'm resistant to moving anywhere. I don't want to go overseas, go to school, leave the house, go to sleep, do pretty much anything, because I want to sit here and let the 'I-need-to-do-something-productive' feeling build up so I finally do something productive. But that's just a pretty good way of describing procrastination. Still doesn't take away the feeling that if you take away all living factors, I'd be a pretty productive person.

I don't get it. I'm either lazy, depressed, or attention seeking. I don't want to be any.

Whooo! Class reunion on the 8th, toycon on the 10th to 12th, and I'm possibly going to mingwei's house for a movie marathon next week. I want the bakura wig by toycon so I can cosplay ): why don't I have a reply yet!

2010-12-03T00:01:00.005+08:00

What did you know, I suspect I have depression too! It's the simple things in life... Like not being motivated enough to do anything different from the monotonous things everyday. Including reading. I can't focus enough to read unless it's one of my obsessions. It's one of those laugh or cry things.

The Stolen Child

2010-11-12T21:59:00.001+08:00

Where dips the rocky highland

Of Sleuth Wood in the lake,

There lies a leafy island

Where flapping herons wake

The drowsy water rats;

There we've hid our faery vats,

Full of berrys

And of reddest stolen cherries.

Come away, O human child!

To the waters and the wild

With a faery, hand in hand.

For the world's more full of weeping than you can understand.

Where the wave of moonlight glosses

The dim gray sands with light,

Far off by furthest Rosses

We foot it all the night,

Weaving olden dances

Mingling hands and mingling glances

Till the moon has taken flight;

To and fro we leap

And chase the frothy bubbles,

While the world is full of troubles

And anxious in its sleep.

Come away, O human child!

To the waters and the wild

With a faery, hand in hand,

For the world's more full of weeping than you can understand.

Where the wandering water gushes

From the hills above Glen-Car,

In pools among the rushes

That scarce could bathe a star,

We seek for slumbering trout

And whispering in their ears

Give them unquiet dreams;

Leaning softly out

From ferns that drop their tears

Over the young streams.

Come away, O human child!

To the waters and the wild

With a faery, hand in hand,

For the world's more full of weeping than you can understand.

Away with us he's going,

The solemn-eyed -

He'll hear no more the lowing

Of the calves on the warm hillside

Or the kettle on the hob

Sing peace into his breast,

Or see the brown mice bob

Round and round the oatmeal chest

For he comes the human child

To the waters and the wild

With a faery, hand in hand

From a world more full of weeping than he can understand

- William Butler Yeats, The Wanderings of Oisin and Other Poems (1889)

2010-09-25T18:33:00.001+08:00

I finally found the words. I know why now.

2010-09-25T18:26:00.000+08:00

Come away, oh human child

To the waters and the wild…

With a faery hand in hand

For the world's more full of weeping…

…Than he can understand.

2010-09-24T21:23:00.001+08:00

Help me.

2010-09-06T20:05:00.002+08:00

I know I shouldn't say it, but I just wish something would happen so they could cart her off to the mental institution already.

Relationship Attitude Quiz

2010-09-01T18:38:00.002+08:00

Hmm, you got a lot of the questions wrong. I still remember it :D

Question 1: You are on your way to your bf/gf's house. Do you take the shortcut where there's nothing to see, or the long winding way with beautiful scenery?

I'd prefer the scenery(: Pretty sky~

Question 2: On your way there, you see some rose bushes, some red, some white, and decide to pick 20 for your beloved. How many of each colour does you bouquet contain?

White, a smattering of red for contrast. I like white, but no contrast offends my aesthetic sensibilities.

Question 3: When you get there, the someone else answers the door. Do you ask for your bf/gf, or go in and find them yourself?

Walk right in, duh. If the relationship is already official, who cares?

Question 4: You go to their room, but they're somewhere else in the house. Where do you leave the bouquet, on the bed or windowsill?

Windowsill! I can't stand the thought of the roses being squashed by accident or something. And this way the light can fall on them all pretty :D

Question 5: You decide to stay the night in the guest bedroom. When you wake up, would you prefer to see your beloved up and awake already, or still sleeping?

Sleeping(: You know all those drama scenes where you gaze at them sleeping, actually have a point.

Question 6: When you're heading home, do you take the short route or the long, winding path? (Regardless of scenery)

Long way. I do that on the way home all the time, actually =/

2010-08-16T00:34:00.001+08:00

Life is hard. Life is hard for me.

It's hard to remember that sometimes.

Problems expand to fill the space allocated to them.

Some problems spill over.

2010-08-01T22:52:00.001+08:00

Sister mine how shallow you are, judging me by your friends.

2010-07-05T12:11:00.001+08:00

Back from China! I spent 300 sing. Sorry dear, I can't go shopping with you again this year :P

2010-06-27T01:19:00.002+08:00

I haven't finished packing yet! Should I stay up all the way and sleep on the plane? I keep feeling like I've forgotten something vital. I'm so disappointed that I didn't get my spectacles on time D: no way to enjoy the nice scenery. Today I learned a new word from Julian's wall. But I like to use quesclamation marks!

2010-06-24T01:07:00.002+08:00

Family relations are at an all time low. I don't think I'll be finishing any holiday homework this time. Didn't get the chinese paper when I wasn't there, but somehow didn't think to ask for it. Just remembered I was supposed to do the stupid teacher's survey before midnight. Don't feel like doing it. Going to sleep now 'cause I'm meeting Julian and Jia En to watch Toy Story 3 before we drop by the zheng camp at the old school with the lake. Must remember to bring the edusave form to drop off at school.

Names.

2010-06-21T04:11:00.002+08:00

I don't know. Names never mattered much to me. I know it's somehow important to acknowledge someone with their name, so they feel like they matter more. After I knew that I started to notice it when people addressed me specifically with my name, and analysed what reaction it incited. And that after that it didn't make a difference when people used my name or not, because I was already aware of it. "The unconscious became the conscious". Some stupid stuff.

I've always associated people not by their names but by specific memories and little quirks, so I hardly use them except to get their attention. No hi so and so, just hi. Unless I decided to make someone feel that they matter when I'm being a little odd and gracious now and then. Hell, we hardly use names in my house. It's a born and bred mindset.

The paper just got delivered! I heard it hit the hallway floor outside. Oh well, time to sleep. I'll get the stuff for the physics project meeting tomorrow morning. Hopefully I'll wake up.

2010-06-16T22:43:00.003+08:00

I'm online and... not really doing anything productive...

Learning Echoes on the keyboard.

Created my second world! Maybe I'll connect it to the first. But first, I have to think of names D: It's really hard to name places!

"What are you doing here?" he hissed. Why am I here? Girls weren't allowed here. Words were being said, and he turned back to the podium.

A withered, hunched over old man started to sing the words of the legend that everyone knew, of the serpent Celen who was granted wings and took to the sky. His hoarse voice took on a strange, chanting quality, unlike the beautiful soothing medleys from the bards of the south. It scratched my eardrums and raked across my mind. And then, as the story came to a close and he raised his gaze to the heavens, searching, it happened.

There.

Something darted across my vision.

2010-06-14T17:33:00.002+08:00

Today I woke up and... drank pepsi... okay that's all I put in my stomach. Geez.

I haven't done any work ): And don't want to do work besides the unassigned stuff.

Started doing every single exercise in the math textbook see, and that's a lot more fun than doing assigned stuff.

Finally got my keyboard, but I'll have to pay it off. So I finally understood what feeling like Christmas came early meant, though I've never celebrated Christmas.

Decided that I'll stop posting stuff here besides... descriptive... stuff. I mean, that would just be attention seeking right? Which is like, the difference between cutting yourself where someone can see it and cutting yourself where someone can't. Okay, that was a weird comparison, but I get it, and that's fine. Airing your problems out for anyone to see is like begging for help without having the guts to ask for it. If I know what my problems are, and I don't solve them, then I shouldn't ask for help. Simple!

Yesterday I was dragged out to the IT fair at Suntec for my sister to check out the laptops. It was so crowded! Imagine rush hour at the MRT times five. I wasn't interested in anything either, so I just hung around some empty spots at the cameras and texted Julian. Frustrating experience. There were tons of flyers just strewn everywhere on the floor. If there weren't workers shovelling them into bags, we'd have to wade through the mess. I hope they're gonna recycle them.

I won't waste my limited time on the computer, so I'm off to play mindless games.

2010-06-05T02:38:00.002+08:00

I like it so much, I decided to just put it here.

So I had a great day out with Julian, and I remembered what it was like to not be vexed over school work and stupid classmates, and refined my individuality :D Sure is nice to have a friend who overkills in the wardrobe section. And I decided that that shop is my favourite in Bugis street. Still, I need matching shoes. Let's go to Arab street, I'd like to check out lace and fabric prices(:

Now I will try to do part two of chinese HBL. Note try.

2010-06-01T19:02:00.002+08:00

I never seem to title my posts :D

New favourite song: Bad Apple! by Nomico :3

I'm gonna play maple after I do a bit of chinese. I can't seem to recall what else I have due. Can't bring myself to care.

2010-05-30T14:25:00.002+08:00

I just woke up, and it's 2, and I see my sister playing computer games. She'd been playing for the whole morning, mum says. I tell her I have HBL work to do, and she curses and says she has work. She says she's going out and she's coming back at 6, and I have to finish my work by then because I didn't seem to have work to do when I was on maplestory yesterday. Now I'm not crying because I have a bitch for a sister.

2010-05-29T14:29:00.002+08:00

I might have overreacted a little. I'd just realized that I cared more about losing a friend than the fact that someone's thinking about me. Wow. That was a big revelation.

2010-05-29T02:18:00.001+08:00

I'm a bitter person. Bitter, bitter person.

Ne Maya, let's go to k-box instead of Sakae. Vivian's got a membership card!

2010-05-28T20:32:00.001+08:00

Lalalaaaa~ I will not think about LA essay! ): I haven't started on it. I don't want to. Who says I can't finish it in the last two hours?

):

2010-05-28T01:05:00.002+08:00

Today I ate a banana and a fever reducer for brunch and a mug of coke and stole some chips for the afternoon, along with another mug of coke. For dinner I ate a few mouthfuls of the pineapple rice my mum got yesterday and got another mug of coke. And I concluded that you should never, ever try to swallow your medicine with coke. I think it makes it dissolve. Horrible taste. And I stole some of the cream milk my sis got for cooking, too. I can't remember if you can or can't drink milk with your medicine, but I don't really care.

Right now I don't know if my understated discomfort is due to hunger or illness. At least my head doesn't pound any more.

Right, so I finished the history mini-essay today and the econs stuff yesterday. I'm gonna try to do the political comic, but I can't find any on current affairs. I'll leave the essay and SIP proposal for tomorrow and the geography option to my groupmates. God knows what I have for chinese. My internet is acting up.

And if you're referring to me, which you're probably not and I'll just feel all-assuming again, seriously, just talk to me.

2010-05-26T23:35:00.000+08:00

History essay( 28 may)

• History mindmap( 4th june)

• History options essay( 31st may)

• Econs !

• Bio task( present term 3 week 1)

• Chem quiz( thermochemisty and kinetics) ( 30 may)

• LA essay(28 may)

• LA cartoon( 28 may)

• Maths sets notes and practice( end of the week!)

Courtesy of Maya. I can't bother putting chinese in. Gotta fever to sleep off. Night.

2010-05-26T00:25:00.002+08:00

There are many, many complications in my life right now, that I just want gone. But that's not possible. And everyday I hear and see the daily reminder of why I never knew what it's like to grow up without worries, and that's the biggest, screwed up fucking problem in my life right now. If you can't be assed to care, I won't either, because I will never see my mother let go of her resentment, not until her dying day. And my life will revolve around that. It always does.

So I won't apologise for not being able to understand another's problems from now on.

Here it comes

2010-05-16T22:43:00.001+08:00

I see it. I saw it coming. Why is everyone falling apart?

Sunday, 16 May

2010-05-16T00:51:00.002+08:00

Today I woke up at noon, and for the first time I remember my mind was blank. That was odd. Usually I remember what I was doing before I went to sleep, since I'm always doing something at night these days. I suppose it might have something to do with the fact that I wasn't thinking of what needs to be done the next day.

Then I remembered I was supposed to be at school for art club four hours ago. And I missed the last two compulsory meetings for that art piece. I suppose I might have blamed it on my annoying acquired habit of dismissing commitments that aren't shoved in my face.

Then I continued on to obey my annoying habit and spent a whole day on the com. And I finally checked my email, and was reminded that I signed up for the IP admission exam thing. Which I forgot was today. Kinda easy to do since I don't have friends asking me the day before about the event taking place the next day.

I wonder if the math survey is compulsory. I didn't do the chem participation assessment either. What else were we supposed to do? I hate the email system.

I wish I had a keyboard. The guitar is a little like the guzheng, but it's still different. I suppose the only thing closer to the guzheng than the piano is the harp, but the piano is more practical.

I want to fly a kite. I want to learn how to play new songs, sing new songs. I want someone to tell me what to do to fix my life, step by step, and stay with me to make sure I do it, every step of the way. I want to be able to go out and get a job so I won't feel so guilty when I buy things, so guilty when I lose things. Horrible guilt. I hate it. I hate feeling guilty when I say anything demeaning, say anything mean, do anything wrong, screw up everything. I wish I had no deadlines. They say you can't get anything done without a deadline. I say I can't get anything good done with one. Am I a perfectionist? A very extreme one, I can only guess, but it's not like I bother to do my work. I still can't stop my disappointment when I can't finish my work to the standard I'm capable of, though.

In a way I suppose I envy the storybook characters. They don't know it, but I know that they always have happy endings. I'd like that conviction for myself, thank you very much! Which will only happen in life if you're a tai-tai, unless you're an inter-dimensional traveller who knows you're just a product of imagination in someone else's mind, and that would suck. But it would be preferable.

It's so weird. I'm scared of strangers, scared of teachers, but I'm all confident with my friends. I'm frustrated and upset at home, but cool and collected outside. I crave connections and familiarity and hate what it has come to mean in my home. I was advised to contact my father and my ma shows me a message from him that made me hope he was trying to be funny. And since when did he know chinese anyway? Though it's quite rudimentary.

It sucks that this writing style shows up in my essays. Disorganized and chaotic, much like how I am. All the ideas and half formed concepts brought to the front of my mind by the question, but slip over each other and through my thoughts like the fish in that poem. Thinking about everything and nothing at once. I think it's because of the lack of sleep. I probably was much more clear-headed a few years ago. But I don't know, because I realised it too late and I don't recall the feeling of instant understanding and immediately moving on to pursue further avenues of interest, though I know it used to be like that. Like Granger. It would be fun to learn potions.

I remember that in upper primary, my classmates took to referring to my math worksheets like answer sheets, and the teacher called me up to write the answers of the weekly quizzes on the board.Then it did wonders for my confidence. I wasn't affected by my ma's beginning traits of paranoia. Now I remember that study that showed how much control a teacher had over the student's confidence and the subsequent effect on their studies, and realise I was just lucky at the very beginning when the teacher identified me as the best. It kept me up until I reached Raffles. Now I wished I never went, and never got the admission letter to IP. It just made me realise that there will always be people better than you, as in not just know, but truly believe, that I started to fall back. Why does my ma want good results? They don't guarantee you a future. In fact, it's far from that. She craves reassurance so much.

The more she blames my friends for any attitude I show, the less friends I make and the less I tell her about them. I had one friend I kept in my class in chungcheng, and she blamed her. Now she doesn't know the names of any of my friends in Victoria. The more she blames someone poisoning my food for any weakness I show, the more careless I am with my diet and sleeping habits. The more she complains about the world, the more apathetic I am, until I don't want to face it as I see how all her beliefs clash with my sense of logic. My sense of logic, which helped me analyse every question and score well, that held together my world and the way I see it. Which seems to be falling apart, lately.

"If only, if only" the woodpecker sighs.

2010-04-27T06:01:00.002+08:00

I should try harder, because you're a friend, and I don't have that many of those. So I will try harder, but please don't blame me if I don't feel the same way.

AHHHHH

2010-04-25T21:38:00.001+08:00

At this point I'm not sure if my problem is computer addiction, or just procrastination.

You will not procrastinate!

Imagine

2010-04-25T18:51:00.002+08:00

I'd just learned the lyrics of the song Imagine, and it was so beautiful. Then I thought about it again, and I realised, that it isn't that simple. Even if there's no heaven, even if there's no hell, some of us can't live for today. We live for the future. And then, since there is always a future, we never actually live properly. It doesn't matter if there's no countries, because there will always be crime. Some of us live in fear from our own countrymen. It doesn't matter if there's no possessions, because even if we all share what we have, there will never be enough. It doesn't matter how many people dream of achieving that world, because it will never happen.

If you're interested, the lyrics of the song are here: http://www.lyrics007.com/John%20Lennon%20Lyrics/Imagine%20Lyrics.html

And here's a bit of wisdom tacked on the board outside the lab we used during the workshop, which I tracked down on google:

When I was a little girl, I was dying to grow up and go to school.

When I was in high school, I was dying to finish school and go on to college.

When I was in college, I was dying to graduate so I could marry and start a family.

When I was married and had young children, I was dying for them to grow up so I could get some rest.

My children grew up, moved away.

I just found our I am dying and realize that I have never lived.

And another one:

To make money we lose our health,

And then to restore our health we lose our money...

We live as if we are never going to die,

And we die as if we never lived...

2010-04-21T18:23:00.001+08:00

I hate the world.

2010-03-21T14:52:00.001+08:00

Yes mam, recently I haven't bothered to update my blog properly. Thank you for checking to see if I have(:

2010-03-05T04:35:00.004+08:00

I had a weird nightmare/dream that was horrifying enough, oddly real. It was why I didn't tell myself to wake up or realize it was just a dream, until I woke up. Sigh. Still working out fact from fiction. Tells you how strong my foothold on reality is.

Some keywords from the dream then. Cardiovascular disease, sharks, medical centers and black magic. My mum was there, and sis too. We had a fight like always, so I guess that made me think it was real. The rest is just O.o

Okay time to do lit option homework

2010-02-28T21:07:00.002+08:00

My mum came home and went crazy. It seems that there was a bag of clothes left at the door. I saw her throwing it around the corridor outside through the peephole. My sister showed me one of the shirts. It looks quite nice.

My mum says that the cashier at Fairprice rang up the bill to $33 on purpose. He overcharged, of course, as usual. 33 is my block number. What a coincidence.

There were seven hongbaos and his name card. I haven't looked at it. I wonder if he still owns that meditation company.

My mum says there must be seven companies making use of us, and money in the hongbaos was earned from selling our lifeblood. What a lie. My sister and I always knew his relatives still give us hongbaos. He just doesn't give them to us.

There's too much homework to do, and her yelling was distracting, so I yelled too, after awhile. She apologized for disturbing us. This must be the first time actually kept quiet after saying that.

I wonder how long the peace will last.

2010-02-28T19:20:00.002+08:00

Today there was a knock at our door. I'd thought it was my sister's friend. When I came out of the study, she told me Mr Low is bald now, and after going to the window facing the car park we laughed together at how old he looked. I think he saw us.

Later, when my sister went into our bedroom, someone slid hongbaos under our door. He hasn't done that for years. I cried.

2010-02-28T19:09:00.001+08:00

One too many a time spent on the floor of the shower trying to wash away the sorrow.

2010-02-23T03:22:00.002+08:00

Hello(: Yes, it really is 3am now. I'd slept early. You know, when my alarm woke me up around 2, my sis was still doing her work on the com, and naturally my mum was up too. Now it's all quiet. Quiet echoes.

Okay, I'm done with lit option homework. Going off to do the LA summary and AQ.

Scarborough Fair

2010-02-16T18:00:00.000+08:00

Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme
Remember me to one who lives there
He once was a true love of mine

Tell him to make me a cambric shirt
Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme
Without no seams nor needle work
Then he'll be a true love of mine

Have him wash it in yonder dry well
Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme
Where ne'er a drop of water e'er fell
And then he'll be a true love of mine

Tell him to find me an acre of land
Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme
Between salt water and the sea strands
Then he'll be a true love of mine

Tell him to reap it with a sickle of leather
Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme
And gather it all in a bunch of heather
Then he'll be a true love of mine

Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme
Remember me to one who lives there
He once was a true love of mine

See here,

2010-02-14T19:05:00.001+08:00

New blogskin! That I'm too lazy to re-edit! My com can't seem to load the background picture. Oh well.

ANDAND I wanna say this here cause ALISAMAYA don't got no tagboard :D ALISAMAYA ROCKS! She is a smart and wise girl who is gonna be an awesome journalist cause I just know she will xDD You're gonna be up and about in no time!

It's Valentine's.

2010-02-12T22:32:00.003+08:00

I'm a little tired, a little sad, and a little glad today. The latter because I made it to the weekend. I don't know what to do, you see. I don't know what's going on. And I'm not sure why I don't just toughen up and go and find out, but I don't know how.

I think a lot, because of the long journey to and from school. I think so much I don't know what to think anymore. You see, when you think, you realize new ideas and revise old ones. And through the sea of thoughts that go a thousand miles a minute, I've learned to block out most of them, and that's neither good nor bad. Occasionally I snag on to the important ones, like a new revelation in life. But that's just if I'm lucky.

It seems this year I've gathered a fondness for the long distance bus instead of taking the MRT. Thus doubling my traveling time to two hours, but maybe I just like being alone. I don't want to go home, but school just doesn't cut it either. I'm one of the people whose energy gets sapped really quickly anywhere but home. At least I can sleep on the bus.

It was Valentine's and Chinese New Year celebrations today, and Geraldine gave sunflowers to the people she was close to. I'd do that, if I'd gone out specifically just to get presents. Maybe I'll do that this weekend. A late gift is better than none. Valentine's day sucks anyway though.

I've been feeling more homicidal recently, too. I just can't stand it. Every time she mentions that, I just want to throw something, really, really badly. The last time I really threw something was last year. My phone. So now you know how my phone's screen was broken. And my mother didn't notice it for 3 months. She'd thought my phone was perfectly fine, and she said she'd checked.

She's doing it again. I never reply, unless she's talking about something recent. The counselor doesn't know zilch about what it's really like.

This post was supposed to be longer. But she started talking, and now I don't want to care if anyone reads this anymore.

2010-01-24T02:15:00.002+08:00

I decided to look for a new blogskin. Not now of course, my mum is nagging cause it's so late. I wish she actually sleeps.

The world is big

2010-01-24T01:45:00.002+08:00

Life really saps your energy, I think. Ignorance is bliss. Trying to understand everything, and make room in your heart and mind for what you know you don't understand, will exhaust you. That's why although I might feel contemptous towards shallow people for what they think they know but don't, I'll still feel just a little bit jealous of their simplistic way of thinking. I used to blame my warped way of thinking on reading so many fiction books. Now, I'm not so sure.

I'm not saying that I'm this really wise person, but you gotta acknowledge that there are some things you will never know, or even have the right to know, so we have no right to talk. At all. Though it's not like anyone will know if you just talk to yourself. And also, to my friend, you have to realise that talking about people who bitch about others, is quite similar to bitching. Just a reminder to help you in your efforts to be open-minded(:

2010-01-08T19:04:00.002+08:00

I don't know what's so cozy about my house. Friends who came before all said that, and I remember understanding what they say, but now I don't see it anymore. All I see is bitterness, poison, suffocating, oozing from the walls, every corner, every artifice. All the half-crazed mutterings from our two generations. We're all crazy.

Poem ARCHIVE! :D

2009-12-29T00:00:00.006+08:00

Alright, so, since the last post was really depressing, -cough cough- I'm going to look through my past stuff to see if it was any better. It seems my poems from a few years ago are quite depressing. And not very well written. Haha. So life moves on! Now I will proceed to cheer myself up by looking at depressing stuff from the past, because life seems better than that. Paradoxical, no?

So this first one, I think it was the first anyway, was written near the end of primary school. Of course, it didn't actually correlate to what I was feeling. Duh. Artists write to express emotions, no one ever said they had to be yours :D

Note: I don't title most of my poems :3 Also, the text in this post is so small cause I couldn't get my poem lines to fit in this tiny column.

I wonder how long I can hide
From the memories, the past
For I am struggling against the tide
Somehow, I knew, I never would last

I'm tired of the enemies
The backstabbers, the traitors, the pain
The heartbreak the sorrow the profanities
Hurtful words come down like rain

Why can't I just die, I think everyday
Every night, every bloody damned hour
If life is so hard, if fate is so mean
Then why can't I just, up and leave?

I want to just drown, and never be found
In the ebb and flow of the tides
Of love and hate, of cruel fate
At the hands of Peace not be Found.

Don't ask me, I don't know what that last line means either(:

False Dreams

Heroes don't exist; nor does happiness and peace
Love and trust and warmth, justice and equality.
So many qualities, so beautiful, so great,
They all belong in dreams.

In this bleary, broken land
Nature is being destroyed by man
They mine, they saw, they bomb, they dig,
They waste, they burn, they kill.

They dream to make a future
Where they are in control
People would do anything for power
That's a fact I know

For I have seen, and I have heard
Of the destruction strewn about
Where once there was a flowering field
There lies a field of drought

I live on my dreams, of a land without time
Of a place, where I can be me
Where dragons exist, where prophecies come true
And magic and nature run free

1st November 2006

My sister once said she liked the last paragraph. I still remember that(:
Okay this is the last of the really depressing -cough-immature-cough- poems.

Sometimes, late at night I lie thinking
Asking myself, why do people live?
Instinct, some say. Happiness, say others.
As I review this - Life, they call it - I think,
What does it have to give?

For happy moments there are sad days
For every friend, there is an enemy
Faith and confidence can lead to arrogance
With love, comes heartbreak and tears

Why would anyone want to live
If the cost for life is so great?
Why do they continue to struggle?
If no one understands...

Is there a god, up there in the sky?
Or are there many, though some in the sea?
Do people still pray for god to hear them,
To love them, to help them, to forgive?

But even if they are there, their people are in vain
For the gods stopped listening a long time ago

7 December 2006

Okay, the rest are more well written, or at least I think they are. It's getting kind of late and I need to wake up early tomorrow.

Now I stand here
On the path of life
Too scared to go forward
Too smart to go back

Alone and afraid
To face life's woes
The path branches ahead
What now, where to go?

My heart grows weary
I'm tired of this
I'd lie down on the path
And sleep

But hands pull me up
No, I cannot lie
On me guilt
And pressure laden

September 2007

There was a Girl who Wondered Why

There was a girl who wondered why
People wanted to live, not die
To laugh, not cry, to take, not give
To hoard, not share, to have, to live

To look down, not up, to be rich, not poor
To be served, not serve, to be forgiven, and not forgive
She wondered why we laughed, we cried
We killed, we died, we lived

There was a girl who wondered why
The earth spun round and round
The sun still shined, the planets aligned
And why what goes around comes around

2007

So the girl hid her face and went away
The sky turned to the warmth of the earth
And a thousand dreams drifted to the ground

The stars watched as the sun went away
And the moon shined all her worth
Until she fell into eclipse
For the sun was not around

So the girl hid her face and went away
The wind swept away the clouds
And a thousand words within her bound

The stars burned bright but far away
And the moon began harbouring doubts
Until she threw at them parts of herself
And the moon was no longer round

So the girl hid her face and ran away
The petals swirled and water frothed
And a thousand miles later she found

The stars burned out, the moon forlorn
So the girl hid her face and went away
The sky turned to the warmth of the earth
And a thousand dreams drifted to the ground

Inspired by D.gray-man's The Musician [Tsunaida te ni Kiss wo].

There's one more I'm working on now, but I've left it alone for sometime. That one is inspired by The Guardian's soundtrack Never Let Go.

Going to sleep now(:

2009-12-21T17:04:00.004+08:00

stop blaming my schools stop blaming my friends stop blaming stop doing that cause it's not helping

no we're not like that it's just you just you just you alone in all your nonsense and insanity

alone alone! no one is using us! go away go away upstairs people are not bad people we're not experimental guinea pigs you are the crazy

i HATE YOU stop asking why i don't want to move because YOU want to move because of your stupid stupid ideals no one is tracking us no one is in our house there is NOTHING WRONG here

i wish there was a ghost or something here then we can just get rid of this mess it'll be so easy

no i dont wanna talk now i want to go to school and ask mr woo what he can do cause i hate being in my home and that isn't normal

and she's still talking and talking and talking and i havent seen my father for years he has nothing to do with us anymore so stop blaming him too

id rather try my luck living with him too and i wouldnt have said that five years ago because i hate you now

stop telling me who to hate i dont hate them at all i hate you i hate you i hate only you

it's all you and it'll never change

if only

i'd be happy

stop it stop it stop it SHUT UP i don't care about your stupid ideals

she's still talking. i can't accept that. i told her that, i told her so many things and she doesnt care

2009-12-21T17:04:00.001+08:00

just shut up just shut up just shut up just shut up

2009-12-21T17:03:00.002+08:00

I'm just waiting for that final straw now

2009-12-21T17:03:00.001+08:00

I told you I wanted to jump off a building and you just said I was threatening you

2009-12-21T17:02:00.005+08:00

I HATE YOU

2009-12-21T17:02:00.003+08:00

I HATE YOU

2009-12-21T17:02:00.001+08:00

I hate you

2009-12-21T17:01:00.001+08:00

I hate you

2009-12-21T17:00:00.000+08:00

Why can't you see it

2009-12-21T16:53:00.000+08:00

Someone help me. I don't think I can hold up much longer.

2009-12-21T16:51:00.001+08:00

If I die before you do, I will make sure you carry the regret for the rest of your life.

Ugh

2009-12-09T02:17:00.002+08:00

I woke up before my alarm today...

This is the earliest I've started on my holiday homework, I think.

Argh, I have a headache on the right side of my skull. It's late and I'm tired. That's funny, because I've been sleeping at two to three for around two weeks and I wasn't tired. In fact, I didn't notice much. My eating habits are horrible, my sleeping habits are catching up, I stayed up until three yesterday to read a book I borrowed from the library. On the same day. I finished reading it this morning. Ah, my head really hurts... I haven't been using the computer that much recently, though.

I hate it that my sister still has school cause she's out all the time. Actually, now that I think about it, I don't even notice that it's a weekend cause she's out then, too. I get scolded for housework I didn't do when my sister leaves her clothes all over sofa, the floor, the sink, and my chair. Huh. Owww my head really hurts

I think my record for this holiday was two days ago when I woke at eleven didn't eat anything until six when my sister bought packet food home. And I didn't finish it. But that's cheating, technically, considering the amount of candy I ate.

Going to bathe, brush teeth and sleep. Hope my head hurting is due to prolonged staring at the screen.

Titile

2009-12-03T14:23:00.000+08:00

AHHHH! Go away! You're insane!

I AM SMART!!!!!!!!!

2009-12-01T02:11:00.002+08:00

Okay, so I'm not doing what I'm supposed to do.

...

...

...

SCREW CENSORSHIP! I'm going INSANE! If I have to spend another FUCKING DAY listening to what my mother has to say about those FUCKING PEOPLE and whatever SHIT the she saw and concludes her RIDICULOUS NOTIONS from I WILL THREATEN TO JUMP OFF A BUILDING UNTIL SHE SEES A PSYCHOLOGIST!

Man, I've had more screaming fits this past month than I've had my whole teenage career. Screaming, then crying, or the other way round, doesn't really matter. You know, when I tell my mother I don't care if she disowns me as long as she goes to get professional help, she tells me she knows I must be under a lot of stress because of them and she understands. No wonder there was once I literally shrieked as loud as I could whenever she tried to say something.

Did you ever know?

2009-11-11T22:50:00.004+08:00

I searched it up in my family health encyclopedia.

Paranoia
A condition whose central feature is the delusion (a false idea not amenable to reasoned argument) that people or events are in some way specially connected to oneself. The term is also used popularly to describe feelings of persecution.
A person suffering from paranoia gradually builds up an elaborate set of beliefs based on the interpretation of chance remarks or events. Typical themes include persecution, jealousy (see jealousy, morbid), love, and grandeur (belief in one's own superior position and powers).
Types and causes
Chronic paranoia may result from brain damage, alcohol abuse, amphetamine abuse, schizophrenia, or manic-depressive illness. The condition is especially likely to develop in people with paranoid personality disorder- suspicious, oversensitive people who seem emotionally cold.
Acute paranoia, lasting for less than six months, may occur in people who have experienced radical changes in their environment, such as immigrants, refugees, or people leaving home for the first time.
In shared paranoia, (see Folie a deux), delusion develops as a result of a close relationship with someone who already has a delusion.
Symptoms
The feelings and activities of a person with paranoia often seem relatively normal in that they are appropriate to his or her beliefs. There are usually no other symptoms of mental illnesses apart from occasional hallucinations. In time, however, anger, suspicion, and social isolation may mark an increasing change towards difficult and eccentric behavior. Paranoid individuals rarely see themselves as ill and usually receive treatment only at the instigation of relative or friends.
Treatment and outcome
When acute illness is treated early with antipsychotic drugs, the outlook is good. In long-standing paranoia, delusions are usually firmly entrenched, although antipsychotic drugs may make them less prominent.

Trying to make the happiness last a little longer

2009-11-05T20:38:00.002+08:00

I swear the lack of sleep is getting to me! It just seems like there aren't enough hours in a day. By the time I'm up to doing work, it's time to sleep or something. Oh well, it'll work out. I just need to sleep more.

So yeah, some of you people around me might have noticed my perpetual good mood. I guess I just learned to appreciate the finer things in life. The thing is, it takes a lot of energy to keep of that positivity for me(; so in other words I'm exhausted. Still, I think that's just an excuse for my persistence to stay up late.

A day or so on the MRT I looked out of the window when the train was halfway from Pasir Ris to Tampines and wished I could go over there and wander around taking photos. To everyone living in Pasir Ris; you can't miss it. Catch it just as the sun is rising, and it'll look unreal(: If you paid attention, you'll know the MRT passes by a stretch of forest, and there's a clearing where the trees have fallen and are covered by other plants and creepers. In the morning there's mist covering the plants, and when the sun rises it burns off all the mist so you have to be early. Try to catch it when the sun's rays first hit it.

The world is colourful! The world is beautiful! The world is what we see it to be! :D

My email is a symbol of my immaturity

2009-10-19T14:24:00.002+08:00

At this point in time, I only know that Afghanistan is in the middle east, America has thousands of soldiers in it, and if soldiers are sent by foot they have to get through hostile Pakistan. And that Depleted Uranium has been detected to have been used by the Americans in there but they are denying it. Yep, that's about all.

I don't know what committee I'm in, what committee has what issue, and I frankly can't and don't know what will happen tomorrow. :D I have gone stark raving insane! Wheeeeee! Have spent the whole morning sleeping and reading fanfiction. Yesterday I spent the day playing games, reading fanfiction and researching a bit but not really reading the information I found. Haha. I hope I'm not the only one being so irresponsible about this MUN because it's turned out to be like that quite a few times before D;

AHHHH

2009-10-17T22:23:00.004+08:00

You know, my life seems to be full of these kind of stuff. i.e. I didn't get no email from anybody in my model UN conference group, and I only know for sure that gerontious is in my group because there's only on gerontious in the level :/ and there's two claras. Even worse, when I asked gerontious about it he didn't even know what country he was in! O:

sian! summore since dunno what conference I'm in now and I forgot all the issues. (grammatically incorrect sentence!)

My mind says, to avoid disaster, to check up all the issues and make resolutions for everything. Then if my group is really screwed I can save us all Dx

Also, there was the VIP symposium thing, which proved to me that no matter how great your friends are SOMETHING is bound to go wrong i.e. I didn't go to school that day and ended up with no group and a headache since everyone chose the easy topics to do. Haha, life isn't perfect. Then I decided to do Integrated Math!!! -cue holy sound- and Mr Woo suggested I can talk about math training too. :/ I know, somewhere, in my heart and soul that I really can't talk about MATH FOR FIVE WHOLE MINUTES.

Yeah and now that I look at it I only have like two problems at the moment. AND I WAS SO STRESSED OUT ABOUT THAT!!!! OHMYGODWHICHIDONTWORSHIP

Okay, so its kinda late now. Actually, I got back quite late today since I went to help paint the mural at Marine Parade community library for art club :DD It's finished! It's for the kiddies, but I think our work is pretty :DDD

I'm yawning already haha. My arm aches from holding up the brush for the whole day... At least food and drinks were provided(: and I got high on coffee :D which I just realized is probably why I couldn't fall asleep on the bus.

I HAVE LEFT MY MARK IN THE COMMUNITY!

Monday is a holiday since Deepavali is today. Funny, my calendar says its next month, before Hari Raya. Weird! Stupid chinese calendar. Made my mum go crazy for like 2 hours (it felt like that to me)

So I have two days to do my resolutions(: And also we have to construct our webfolios before November starts, plus the VIP Symposium on the 14th of November. Did I forget anything? Please let me know, because I really don't pay attention to my surroundings. Nor communicate much.

Next week for art club we're doing batik painting! Debbie said we're doing wax on paper and the usual dye on cloth stuff, which is fun. I joined just in time for water painting, but after that we didn't really do much besides the manga class which I didn't go to, though from what I heard I didn't really miss much besides the colouring techniques. I hope we do more cool stuff!

Now that the exams are over, I want to organise my time so I don't end up playing the computer all day again. Like, for example, list out what I want completed so I don't resort to leisure when I forget what I could accomplish at the moment. Hn.

(somewhat in order of importance) I want to:

Make Resolutions for all six issues for MUN
Construct my webfolio
Draft the VIP Symposium presentation
Remember Charmaine's Birthday present
Remember to reply to Daniel's sms (sooner or later)
Remember Vivian's Birthday plus present
Make notes for this year for use in IP2
Actually finish that 3A math assessment book
Go DDR (with Charmaine)
Visit Julian's house/hang out with Julian
Print music sheets
Transcript the music sheets
Learn a whole song on the guitar
Read and understand every single word of the chinese Tsubasa Chronicles book we have
Copy down the lyrics of those songs I like but only know one line of the lyrics
Teach myself Japanese
Be nice to mom
Get over stuff
Be truthful
But remember that withholding the truth is not the same as lying

Since the academic year is over, I'd like to thank some people before the results come back and complications arise if the people I thank didn't do as well :S

Thank you Maya, for inspiring me to continue working hard with your spirit and the simple company that you shared with me the days before each exam. It really made me feel like life is worth trying for(: And thanks for setting me straight when I try to run away. I love the beach!

Thanks to friends including Vivian, Maly and Nessie(: who were not stingy with showing their concern and made me think life rocks because I have friends who care (and not just lending me money(: )

Thanks to Charmaine though I bet you don't read my blog for making me go OOO: when you started studying with me during my study week and then told me your exams were two weeks after mine O.O and you started studying so early!!! -.- and helping me with chem(: The pool is pretty at night! :D Sorry that I got myself so much stuff to do that I can't go out with you for your birthday D: and your prezzie (:

Thanks to Alvin for being my friend for the earlier part of the year (: you understand the misunderstanding because ~~of the immature people in our class~~ we are conservative people who refuse to discuss the situation. Still remember JCO peg game -.-" and spam

Thanks to Julian for the long conversations on the phone (though I haven't called recently haha) when I felt like talking to someone I knew for a longer time. And you still owe me Harvest Moon! >D I still have that kuroshitsuji postcard that's for you you know >< I'm missing a Code Geass poster *hint*. Ciao!

Life is great. For now.

Bet you didn't know

2009-09-24T16:28:00.003+08:00

I suddenly took a liking to blue black. Result of Ciel's hair colour and my favorite new marker I suppose.

tsk tsk

2009-09-24T16:23:00.001+08:00

You know, I believe I am an idiot. I woke up quite late though, but really I just spent four hours on the computer doing who knows what! lalalaaa. Going to study chem downstairs now. I tried to study physics yesterday but it didn't work out quite well of course.

Nothing to lose, nothing to gain. Sigh. Life is so not worth it.

2009-09-22T22:20:00.002+08:00

His version of the song is nicer, honestly.

The lyrics are here, since the video isn't exactly a music video. I think Gary Jules' version's music video is nicer though.

All around are me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
And their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrows
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very very,
Mad world, Mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday, happy birthday
May they feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kind of funny,
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very very
Mad world, Mad world
Mad world, Mad world

What I'm feelin'

2009-09-22T21:32:00.002+08:00

I hope nothing will go wrong during the EOYs. Haha actually if I say that I should be studying now no? I haven't been studying at all today, or yesterday, or anyday either. IDK what's wrong with me(; but I did some math notes. Not done with memorizing trigo and stuff though (I figure I'll do that the day before the math exam).

Why I started with the subject I need to study the least for, I think I know.

Curl up into a tiny ball in the corner! I wish I want I yearn to have my own room. People with their own rooms don't know how lucky they are. You aren't even allowed to lock the door in my house!

Sigh. I need some mutual support. I would make a very clingy person if I was more- confident? - I figure(; Pull yourself together girl! You don't want to ruin this for yourself. Though as to what I'm ruining I'm still at a loss...

The counselor smsed me to see how I was coming along in my revision, and I didn't reply. Trust myself to do something that I know I'll regret even with people giving me constant reminders of the result (i.e. not studying). But other people try to study, I have to try to even make myself study xD key deranged laughter here.

I wish there was no study week. I've been arguing with my mother almost everyday- we fight about just who is the one in denial. Denial, denial- everytime I hear that I think of the Nile. It might be an obsession of mine, my fascination with ancient egypt. Unexplainable.

Come to think of it I can study outside. Downstairs. Why didn't I think of that? My brain must be dysfunctional. I wonder if it's normal to have headaches everyday. It must come from an always present frown or something (like when you squint for too long in the bright sun). Then again I don't know. Do doctors normally tell you what should be normal? They ask for your symptoms, yes? Then they figure what's wrong with you. What if you don't know what's wrong with you, or you have a different idea of what goes on in your body that the doctor should know? Haha, got you guys there.

I suppose tomorrow I will lug my notes down to the pool deck to study, if it doesn't rain. That's funny to me, somehow. I don't study my textbook at all. I think I should. I just read through everything. It used to be that if I mugged too hard I'd actually do worse, but now I don't know if it's enough for me to just read through the material once or twice and then look at some practice questions. Confusing to me.

Now, let me try to reorganise my life. Today is Tuesday. I think. Yesterday was my birthday, so yeah its Tuesday. That means... I have five days minus one equals four because sunday is for the exam on the next day, which is LA. Tomorrow I should study... Chemistry, Biology, Physics, or Geography. I think I'll try bio. I know I won't be able to remember the kreb's cycle.

You know, my sister said the trigo table for the standard values is provided or something. Don't know what she's talking about, haha. =/ Geography shouldn't be that hard. I'm dreading writing essays though. I don't know, it's not like I do badly for lit and LA, on the contrary actually, but I just can't bring myself to organise my thoughts. Much like studying. Or starting my homework. Acutally if you look through my posts you'll know what I'm talking about. Sigh.

I'm such a disorganized chaotic on-my-way failure.

Bet you didn't know

2009-09-17T12:43:00.002+08:00

I've watched Spirited Away at least four times. And Finding Nemo at least six. Hey, you can't laugh at me for watching CDs I own! Oh, and the Inconvienient Truth twice already. I feel like watching that again.

Bet you didn't know

2009-09-17T12:38:00.001+08:00

My favourite books are the ones by Tamora Pierce and Howl's Moving Castle plus sequel. The Inheritance Cycle is nice too.

Today...

2009-09-17T12:30:00.002+08:00

I feel inspired! So I shall refrain from gaming, reading and sudoku.

Must. Finish. Studying. Math. Today.

Yes, I didn't go to school today. Hey, I do feel unwell! Come to think of it yeah I do feel unwell. Is it fever? O: I think I'm just tired.

Bet you didn't know

2009-09-11T10:49:00.002+08:00

For those who didn't read my first few posts, I also read fanfiction. But that's mostly for yugioh only, because everyone knows how much the original show sucks (I think they couldn't afford better animators). Yes, I know it's very unhealthy. :P so there! And anyway, I kinda stopped reading for a while. Was just doing that.

Am now trying to convince myself to do homework for the rest of the day. Since I haven't touched it. Or even started studying. :DDD Tough luck I suppose.

Message to alvin (I couldn't resist): sleep earlier!

Message from voices in my head: Like midnight is early you brainless--...

ZOMBIES! :DDD

Little Kuriboh!

2009-09-10T16:56:00.003+08:00

Haha. I'm here to tell you about the most retarded thing that ever happened to anime history. And you can enjoy it even if you hate the show! xDD (the inside jokes are the funniest though)

Enjoy!

The first episode is kinda crappy, but its matches the crappy graphics anyway. try watching the latest ones (they've been doing this for years)

Bet you didn't know

2009-09-10T16:31:00.003+08:00

I've lost count of the number of posts, cause this skin has no post titles (;

I've been watching anime since I don't know when, since I guess dragonball z is an anime too after all. To date, I have watched every episode of Toradora, Code Geass, Code Geass R2, and Kuroshitsuji. The rest of it is kinda in bits and pieces. Watched most of Yu-Gi-Oh (the original one not the crappy sequel) and Inuyasha and just started on Jigoku Shoujo. And I'm following the manga of Kuroshitsuji and Skip Beat and D.Gray-man.

WHEEEEE! I wanna try posting a picture.

Introducing Bakura! :D Julian can help me translate the word there cause I'm too lazy to find my book. (Sigh it's so hard to find good fan art...)

Random

2009-09-08T22:56:00.002+08:00

Tom, he was a piper's son,

He learned to play when he was young,

And all the tune that he could play

Was "Over the hills and far away..."

Over the hills and a great way off,

The wind shall blow my top-knot off.

Homework

2009-09-07T00:15:00.001+08:00

I'm not going to do the math extension. So there!

Random

2009-09-06T22:55:00.000+08:00

London Bridge is
Falling down
Falling down
Falling down

London Bridge is
Falling down
My
Fair lady

Bet you didn't know 4

2009-09-06T22:53:00.000+08:00

I actually like skirts. Not that that has anything to do with why I don't own any shorts besides the school ones.

Bet you didn't know 3

2009-09-06T22:49:00.000+08:00

I created a series! :D

Let's tell you emooooo stuff.

My parents divorced when I was 4, and the official statement was issued the next year on my birthday (I discovered that this year).

Hello (:

2009-09-06T22:45:00.000+08:00

I. Am. Not. Applying. For. S. M. P. Next. Year.

Definitely not.

And I have to wear a school blazer... D: I sure hope I don't recognize anyone there bcos I will SCREW UP.

Bet you didn't know 2

2009-09-05T17:03:00.000+08:00

I like the names Ciel, Rhode and Ryou(; Julian might have guessed that. Dahlia is obvious.

Bet you didn't know

2009-09-05T17:01:00.000+08:00

My favorite colours are black and lilac.

random

2009-08-31T23:50:00.002+08:00

I don't know why. just feeling so sad lately. maya really? do i really have a sad look on my face so often? i thought people can't read my rather screwed up range of expressions.

sigh

2009-08-31T23:50:00.001+08:00

be my friend again!

eh. one more thing.

2009-08-31T23:49:00.001+08:00

I forgot that almost everybody I know has started studying for EOYs. Except me. I only just started trying to sort my notes.

All Hell and Damnation

2009-08-31T22:10:00.000+08:00

oh well. I guess I feel like posting after all. Maybe like after reading alvin's LONGLONGLONGLONGPOSTS i might feel at least a leetle inspired to keep my blog alive. Okay, so, let me tell you how horrible my recent life has been.

Lets see, somewhere in the last week i managed to finish all my overdue work (i think i cried a record threeslashfour times over HOMEWORK) and then I was like OHMYGOD THIS IS HOW ITS GOING TO BE LIKE FOR THE NEXT THREE YEARS!

So then after that I was recuperating from that traumatic experience that I have never even experienced in PSLE year, I forgot completely about any other work attatchments I might have. Like SMP. I mean, it was hanging around, like I know its there but it never came to me, and then guess what? Monday comes around (today) aaron happily asks me if I checked my mail. SIGH. Yes, I completely forgot. While keeran had sent an email telling us to get it done by today night, and aaron had already done some. Thanks a lot keeran, great way to give me a permanent scarring that will result in me having to check my mail everyday or turn hysterical over the computer hog that is my sister.

So now I will do the poster. OH, I forgot! I DON'T HAVE POWERPOINT. So, I will happily try to do this on google apps, and if google apps screws up the whole thing KEERAN YOU CAN GO AND SUE THEM YOURSELF YOU ASSHOLE. Yes, thank you. I have now successfully expended my frustration. Please don't take offence. I will go and screw up the powerpoint poster now(: let's see if I can actually open it in the proper format.

YUP ITS SCREWED! Google docs can't change the size of the slide, so it turned out squished. AARON HELP ME T_T why is it that my mother is not so well off that she can just buy microsoft office without a thought. (maybe i'll beg her to get the pirated version) because who knows how I will survive JC without ppt. Already got gerald pissed when we were doing the chinese project because I couldn't do it. This is worthy of crying. Hey I just realized my iTunes is playing the godfather's theme. damn.

Ah well. Life goes on, until you end it of course. I shall ask aaron.

Also, the fact that aaron and alvin introduced the class to pvz makes it somehow their fault that I screwed up my weekend because of it. Which basically means I spent like 16 hours on the com (not all together of course!) and finished the game. I'm bored of it already, thank god. My sis spent 12 hours on it yesterday. But I really forgot the existence of email. REALLY YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE ME ): the same way I forgot alvin's birthday and then blur sotong realized it was also justin's birthday despite maya informing me like on friday. Wonderful. MY LIFE IS SCREWED, DISSECTED AND TURNED INSIDE OUT (that's disgusting I can't believe I typed that). Not to mention I don't wanna talk to anymore adults anymore, I think I got enough of "make the best of what you got" for now.

Then when I think of that I start to count how many friends I have. Which is a sad and pathetic number considering how many schools I've been to. Which is... a grand total of five schools. Happily amuhaimin from st. hilda's still talks to me on msn now and then. Julian and co. which includes jia en and abigail-tachi, charmaine in temasek academy now, maya here, vivian and maly and maybe I could count alvin (haha idiocy). Which is all. I can't consider my primary school contacts friends anymore since my way of thinking has changed so much.

Oh, which is why I didn't go back there this year. Instead I went back to chung cheng with aaron, finding out that we missed clara and gerontius on the way there. Kept nagging julian to wait for me but she didn't in the end D: haha next year then. On bus 197 there I actually saw julian and jia en going down the overhead bridge, but they didn't see the insignificant person on the bus (; so we walked all the way to chungcheng, and I saw some of my ex classmates of which most said hi (I think I only met the really nice ppl) like jolene, daniel and jezreel. I saw hao zhe too and I think he saw me but I was talking to daniel so I didn't get a chance to say hi. Aaron left promptly to walk to his primary school. I swear, I never listen enough to people. Then I talked to huanglaoshi for like 30 minutes, waiting for charmaine (who missed the bus twice). Damn you char! So in the end we only saw huanglaoshi and chris.

Then we spent a wonderful day slacking and eating stuff. The end. Until I got home and got the sms from keeran. )': like at nine. Some advice: if you want to remind people about stuff to complete do that a day earlier. thank you, i'm quite sure you enjoyed your half-day.

Sigh

2009-08-15T17:54:00.000+08:00

I feel tired! Haha. That seems to be all my posts consist of. Not that I have many. I'm trying to organize my work now, and it's proving helpful. At least now I don't have to rely on other people to know what's going on, I think. I might actually forget to write it down.

My phone ran out of money! D: Not surprising since I didn't keep track of when the expiry for the value is.

At this point in time I have to thank maya for her help and emotional support(: I don't think I've ever felt more like I'm living a life I can understand.

Today I was supposed to go to cca, but then I was thinking a bit yesterday and then I wondered if I should go, and I decided that I'll decide today. x3 and then I forgot completely. It's actually pretty funny considering I was practicing like for an hour. The whole way my sister was complaining that I sounded like 我在杀鸡杀! though I'm pretty confident if she tried she'd break all the windows and mirrors~

Haha erhu is hard! I'm really not surprised that jolene and fiona wanted to transfer to tanbo. But I'm so sure I can't make it in tanbo ): how come all the instruments require vertical strings pressed by left hand!!!

Dazu is playing First Love for open house D: i wanna play it too! Though i have the zheng score and the zheng part sucks. How come got no zheng for open house? ): probably cause our standard not high enough. I insist on cca fair though. WHY NO MORE ZHENG PRAC??

Been listening to first love for sometime now. I'm intending to copy down the lyrics. My sis got the song sometime ago(;

Haha, I should turn off the comp now. I realize I'm like da Vinci in that I'm a procrastinator and a perfectionist. I'm not a genius though, so that makes a fatal combination. lol.

Decided not to go to the toycon tmr. maybe next year? sorry jul! But yeah, midlife crisisey here. Though this is technically not midlife.

Kay reading this I see why all my essays have low language marks, cause this is so unorganized and random I could laugh.

Signing off now. Maybe I'll get back at my sister's snappishness through playing more erhu. If you could call that playing. Oh, and my mum too.

AHAHAHA I'M SUICIDAL

2009-08-10T22:04:00.000+08:00

I suppose I should have posted my list of homework like maya did. then maybe I'd have staved off procrastination when I saw how much homework I had.

hmm. okay here's the list.

Maths assignment (I'm doing that now)
Bio assignment (I lost the paper)
Geography assignment, or the rest of it (I sent in my part late)
Physics assignment (I got an extension until tmr but I'll never get it done)
All the chinese worksheets I owe (so much that i still had two when tcher gave us the latest so now I have three)

And all I've done is the geog and homework part of math. and a bit of chinese which I SPENT THE WHOLE MORNING DOING AND ONLY GOT HALF A PAGE DONE );

as you can tell I'm prepared to suicide now. And I just spent quite some time watching conspiracy videos like 911 and agenda 21 and the whole time i had that hateful feeling in your chest like I'm going to die and I can't bring myself to do anything to prevent it. But when it comes down to it it's still my own fault. I swear I have had this permanent frown etched into my face for the whole day and my mum thought it was her fault when I've been feeling like that for ages.

I've been feeling so tired! You do know you're tired when you fall asleep immediately after maya gets off the bus on the long distance ride to pasir ris. And I taught myself how to turn off my alarm in my sleep too. Oh, and when I woke up on the bus I realised I was frowning the whole time I was asleep and it gave me some headache fierce. I don't feel my age. Nuh uh, I feel like I'm thirty years old in a dead end job and no money for retirement. Sometimes you know what you're doing is destroying your life but you just can't do anything? Like the gods are holding you down because this does not fit into their grand scheme of life. But this is just to make you feel better. I feel like I'm trying to see how low down I can go and still not be the last in class or something. I'm fast reaching there though.

Sigh. There's that little frowning wrinkle in my forehead again. I need to stop doing that. It gives me headaches.

sigh

2009-08-04T22:37:00.000+08:00

I think sigh is like my favourite word :D which is probably not a good thing D:

You know I was sick and all last week, and there's all this work that I didn't do and it carried over to this week ): and I'm dying! Like, for example today I had my chem test and rushed home to chiong chinese project, and then there's still bio assignment which I extended to tmr and the chinese worksheets I have overdue. And I haven't studied for bio test tmr. Then on Thursday there's that australian math olymp which I have already decided not to care about, and physics assignment due on Friday, and elective report due on the 11th, and my group hasn't handed up the indiEventure CD, and math assignment due on the 11th, and I need to copy notes for chem, and chinese from like what last term, for everything else that I missed and right now I'm also worrying about maya who missed just as much as I did and is taking it much harder and I'm going under right now I can barely breathe!

Today in class I felt sooooo tired! Though I couldn't help but notice I wasn't talking much. mm. Is this what aaron feels like or something? lol. Its nice to not talk to people. I get to laugh when the voice in my head says something sarcastic about their stupid behaviour. Don't really know what to say though. I think I actually used to be talkative, maybe back in chungcheng, with julian and charmaine, though there weren't exactly many friends there I think I actually had more friends than I do now. Nothing much to talk about here I guess. We don't really share many interests, and I can't find the words to say nowadays.

Haiz too tired luhs. Yesterday after I bathed I sat on the sofa and stared at the wall for half an hour while my mum and sis watched tv. Then I realised I was stoning and went to sleep. I think the same thing happened on Monday. ):'

THE LETHARGY IS SEEPING THROUGH MY VEINS!!!

You know two years ago I looked at this anime character (Kuragi from Furuba) and wanted to become a quiet person like her (just because I thought it was cool), and it just wasn't possible then I suppose. I somewhat remember being very high and fangirling about a few anime characters and our own (mine was Kana, Julian's was Xenia and a lot of other people whose very random names elude me at the moment) and generally being a nuisance to the public. Nowadays I prefer to conserve my energy. Besides, staring off into the distance and building a reputation for being very violent when provoked is not such a bad thing(;

Sigh. I think I should get back to work now, as much as I would like to ramble on. I'm doing my bio assignment now. Let's just say I didn't put a lot of work into it.

I was delighted to find out earlier that google apps allows you to upload presentations or make new ones. Documents, too. Essentially I no longer need to go find that blasted Microsoft Office. Score one to google!

Yes! finally finish bio assignment. i hope i sent it to the correct teacher zzz. sigh. Haven't started studying bio yet. I think I'll just bring the whole file to school. Or wake up at 4am tmr. Either way it's a choice between studying for the test and finishing chinese homework.

Goodnight.

coughcoughsneeze ):

2009-07-31T17:33:00.000+08:00

I'm sick ): and it ain't fun at all!

Went to see the doctor for the first time in my life yesterday. Then I found out that western medicine works faster than my mum's medicine. Drastically faster, or I could have brain damage by now (; yesterday after my mum went out i checked my temp again and it was 39.9! Naturally I freaked out la, so I didn't dare take my temp again cos I didn't want to see the 40 mark. Then I searched through all the drawers until I found where my mum hid the medicine from the doctor. I choked on the fever reducer ):

Still coughing now D: like every second.

Just had a chat with maya on msn. Fight on, maya! Shoot those bastards down!

Anyway, you know when I came home on Wedneday my mum didn't believe I had a fever ): she said it's because I ate mee soto that morning cause it's spicy. With a temperature of 38.7! How can spicy food make you have such a high temperature?! And then when it got to 39.4 my mum kept checking my skin and saying I didn't feel hot and someone must have tampered with the thermometer. (I washed it with soap and got her to take her own temperature) It was the themometer I got from the school bookshop -.- she said there could be cameras watching ):

So in the end after three thermometers yesterday she checked my skin temperature again and finally said I felt hot. Too late dear, and your medicine didn't work. Lucky I went to see the doctor.

Coughcough. zzz.

Actually it's more sneezing than coughing.

And I still don't know how to put a tagboard in. Or am too lazy.I wonder how in the seven hells am I going to catch up.

Another Blog!

2009-07-26T17:59:00.000+08:00

Haha. You know I really should commit myself to something. This must be like my third or forth attempt at a blog lahs! Guess I'm just following the trend. Maybe after I'm done with all the music and tagboard and stuff I'll link it to the class.

Sigh. I don't think this blog will last long. My hobbies- games, fanfiction and anime are ALL ONLINE!!! This has led to the unfortunate misconception that I possess no self-control over my apparent addiction to the computer. I'll have to drop one of those hobbies if I wanna blog often. I haven't read fanfiction in a while. It's not healthy anyway- HAHA TAKE THAT JULIAN

YAY! first thing to post about myself: Me likes anime!Sadly none of the people in the class share my interests (; so sads. BUT I still dragged charmaine and rachel to the cosfest at Downtown East (opposite my house x3) But that's for another post.